


To Hazel, A Letter You Will Never Read

by Jackaxed



Category: The Fault in our Stars - Fandom
Genre: F/M, another letter from augustus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-22 06:45:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3719026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackaxed/pseuds/Jackaxed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>another letter from augustus, inspired by re-watching TFiOS with my father</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Hazel, A Letter You Will Never Read

**Author's Note:**

> this sort of cuts off abruptly where i lost drive, but i might continue it later

To Hazel,

A last letter that you will never read, because I'm not writing it (I'm thinking it).I'm lying here on this hospital bed and I'm not feeling like shit. I figure that now is a time as good as any to talk about math.

When you say that our lives are little infinities, that you are so thankful for the infinity I've given you---for our little infinity---I'm not sure what to say. You'll get the letters I sent. You'll get my informal eulogy to you, what I'd say if my time hadn't run out. Yet even that will prove to be wrong. You've still got a life ahead of you, no matter how short. You're still living, and every day we live, we change. The Hazel who read me that speech will be a different Hazel than the one they lay down in a casket. Your infinity, no matter how small, will still be bigger than mine. I don't want you to think you're obliged to me, that you have to live the rest of your life in my memory---and you wouldn't do that, because you're not that kind of person. 

I don't want for you to just "be happy", because that' s a stupid sentiment. I want you to _live_ , I want you to live within the span of your infinity. I want this for you because I forgot to live in _my_ infinity. I forgot that when it comes to life, I don't get to choose my working hours. I spent my life dreaming about the things that were to come, instead of looking at what was right in front of me. And maybe I would've died that way, too, if it hadn't been for you.

I dreamed of being known, of being famous. I didn't want to make a mark on history, I wanted to become it. I wanted to be remembered---I didn't want to be forgotten. I didn't want to be just another cancer kid. I didn't want to die being mourned by strangers; I wanted to live impressing them. You didn't care about my dreams because you knew, like you always do, that it was pointless. No matter what we do, no matter who we are, we're going to be forgotten. The world will move on. For example, whoever lives to cure cancer, everyone will applaud him. They'll thank him, they'll say he was amazing. They'll say he was devoted, that his contribution will save thousands, _millions_ of lives. And it will. It could have saved us,  if we'd needed saving.

Yet at the same time it's a blessing, that cure will also be a curse. I'm not saying this applies to everyone, because there's a myriad of other ways death can screw you over before you're even born. But mortality rates  _will_ go down, and those people who were so afraid of dying are eventually  going to forget all about it. They're going to take their lives for granted, just like I did. 


End file.
